Since I started to research and listen to other’s stories of Domestic Abuse, one quote has really stuck with me the most, “Abuse thrives only in silence(TED, 2013, 14:59).” Leslie Morgan Steiner said this during her TEDx talk titled, “Why Domestic Violence Victims Don’t Leave.” This was one of the first TED talks I watched about domestic abuse, and I’m so glad that I did, because it connected so many of the dots for me.
The victim’s silence is the best environment for an abuser to thrive. The abuser doesn’t want you to talk about what you are going through with other people. They need it to stay a secret. If you start talking and break your silence you’re going to learn things like:
- It’s not ok what is happening to you.
- You deserve better.
- That everything you are going through, is in fact, abuse.
- You are not alone.
The abuser can not have this, it disrupts their master plan. Your silence maintains the illusion that you have brought it all upon yourself and you deserve it.
Why was I silent for so long?
I kept my silence for years. Paul and I were approaching our 11th anniversary when I finally left him. For the first 8 years, I never really talked about what I was experiencing. I might bring up an incident here or there when my emotions from the incident impacted my job performance. I always seemed to be lucky enough to find a confidante at every job I’ve ever had.
When we lived in Fresno, CA, I went to work one day very upset by something Paul had said as I was leaving the house. My colleague Jane was already at work and asked me what had me so upset. I confided in her and she gave me some advice to help our situation. When I went home that night, I told Paul the advice, naively thinking it would help our relationship. Instead Paul responded with, “Well, I hope you don’t ever want to spend time with her outside of work, because I’m not going to spend time with someone you bitch to about me.”
I couldn’t really talk to my family or friends about it, because Paul was always there when I was around them. If I called my mom to chat, Paul always wanted to know what we had talked about. I also worried, that if I did confide in them, they would let that information slip when Paul was around. I was afraid of how he would react if that happened.
When I started working at a psychiatric hospital in 2016, I developed an amazing support system. I started to voice more and more of what Paul said and did. I don’t remember anyone ever using the word “abuse” when we would talk. I just remember everyone being super supportive and telling me I deserved so much better.
In September 2017, I started to wake up to the fact that I was being abused. I broke my silence about the fear I felt from Paul’s actions to a coworker at Target and then again to a Team Lead later that night. I visited the Community Victim’s Intervention Center in October 2017. I met with attorneys in November of 2017 for free consultations to look at my options. I reached out to my best friend and my mom and told them I wanted a divorce in December 2017, but didn’t know how to do that. I was finding my confidence and breaking my silence.
In January 2018, Paul was getting ready to go through his PTSD disability claim with the VA. He wanted me to go with him to speak about the symptoms and behaviors I had witnessed over the past 10 years. However, during this time I was working on getting my ducks in a row to leave. I wasn’t falling for his abusive tactics anymore and was starting to put up boundaries. Paul did not like this.
He could see the changes in me and became more threatening and less trusting. He eventually told me he didn’t want me to go with to his PTSD evaluation because he didn’t trust what I would say. Instead, he required me to do research on PTSD and write a letter about what I had witnessed in our years together. He gave me directions that were 3 pages long, detailing things I should put in the letter and things that were not allowed to be included. In the middle of the second page was a bullet point that stated, “Remember, this is the government. Knowing what to share is important, ‘snapping’ at my wife for minor issues is acceptable, as long as you’re not too dramatic and ‘live in fear’ or something silly. No ‘prepper’, firearm ownership, etc. should be discussed.”
I was calling out his abuse and he considered this to be “dramatic” and “something silly.” He made it very clear that it was not to be discussed. When I finally wrote the letter he wanted me to remove whole paragraphs and to rephrase certain parts. When I refused to make the changes he wanted he said he would just make them himself and submit it on my behalf. I left him before I found out if he actually used a corrupted version of my letter.
In February 2018, I started going to therapy. Paul didn’t really like this, but he “allowed” it. In one of the last conversations we had the week I left Paul, he was becoming even more agitated and threatening. He said to me, “If you were just using it [therapy] as a way to vent and imply that I’m verbally or physically abusive, then it would behoove you to not continue therapy.” He could see his grip on me slipping and he was desperately trying to hold on.
Another reason I didn’t want to share my story was my own shame and embarrassment. I was embarrassed by the way he treated me. And I was ashamed that I stayed for as long as I did. When I told my mom that I wanted a divorce she said to me, her voice tight with emotion, “Sweetie, you didn’t have to wait this long.” It has taken me a long time to realize that the only person who should be embarrassed or ashamed from my story is Paul.
Breaking my silence also meant breaking promises, breaking trust. And I felt like a traitor.
Being Switzerland
I know we’ve all heard things like:
- What happens between a husband and wife, stays between a husband and wife.
- What happens behind closed doors is no one’s business.
- Don’t air your dirty laundry in public.
All of these statements have one thing in common, they say “Don’t talk about abuse!” They tell victims to stay silent. They keep the abuse in the dark, where it can continue to grow in power.
I recently messaged a family member about the book I’m writing and that I’m hoping to approach agents soon. I thought this family member would be proud of me, because they had spent time with Paul and had experienced some of the things I went through. But when I told them I was writing a book about my abusive marriage, they replied with, “I’m not sure I agree with what you are doing… but you have to do what you have to do.”
I was crushed and angry. They didn’t know that I’m trying to bring a spotlight to what non-physical domestic violence looks like. They didn’t know that my goal is to help other victims feel less alone and to give them hope. They didn’t know it’s supposed to help educate people who have never experienced domestic violence, to give them a sneak peek into the nightmare. Instead my relative would prefer I stay silent.
“If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor.”
– Desmond Tutu
Since I have broken my silence, and continue to at every opportunity, I’ve had a lot of people share their stories with me. I’ve had people seek out guidance and support. I’m working hard to create a safe space for other victims and survivors.
A female family member confided in me. She told me that she was being verbally abused and she was scared and didn’t know what to do. She was afraid of losing her kids, home, everything. She was afraid the police or judge wouldn’t believe her if it came to calling the police for her safety and divorce rulings. She reached out to me for advice. She told me some of the things she was being told and described some of the behavior she had witnessed by her partner.
She called one night afraid and unsure how to deal with her drunk partner. I did the best I could to just listen and comfort her. I told her some of the tips and tricks I picked up over the years in my abusive marriage. I reassured her that I was there to support her, and she could call me any time. She ended up calling a male relative to come help her that night.
The matriarch of this family branch found out that I was helping my female relative. The matriarch sat me down to discuss what was going on. She told me that I am only getting one side of the story, and that I “should remain neutral.” She said that it was their business and that the couple should work it out together. I thought to myself, did we just meet? Because there is no way you think I will remain neutral when someone has reached out to me for help in a domestic violence situation. I promptly ignored everything the matriarch had said and I continued lending my support.
“I now equate being silent about witnessing violence with being a passive participant in that violence.” (Sev’er, 2002, Pg 8)
It’s not enough for victims and survivors to break their silence. It’s definitely the first step, but it’s not enough on it’s own. We, as a society, need to provide a safe space for victims and survivors to break their silence. We need to be patient as they navigate the treacherous road of being in a domestic violent relationship. We need to encourage victims and promote survivors.
We need to create a safe platform and hand them the mic, so that they can be loud.
References:
1. TED. (2013, January 25). Why Domestic Violence Victims Don’t Leave | Leslie Morgan Steiner [Video]. YouTube. www.youtube.com/watch?v=V1yW5IsnSjo
2. Sev’er, A. (2002) Fleeing the House of Horrors: Women who Have Left Abusive Partners. University of Toronto Press Incorporated