So how did I get started on this new journey in my life? I didn’t wake up one morning and just decide that I’m going to share my darkest, scariest and loneliest moments with the world. Who does that? I had been pretty vocal about sharing my trauma with my friends and family. It made me feel less lonely and they validated my decision to leave Paul. But telling strangers? Telling the world? The thought never crossed my mind, until a chance encountered at work.
A Man Named April
In 2019, I was working as customer support for a software company. Our clientele was mostly clergy and counselors, they were usually very kind and fun people to talk to. I really loved my job. One day, I got a call from a male customer, who was all jokes. When I introduced my self he said, “What a coincidence, my name is April, too!” He eventually had to tell me his real name so I could help him reset his password and get him back into his account.
While I walked him through some different processes in his account, we chatted and he mentioned that he recently published a book. I told him I’ve always wanted to publish a book too. He told me a bit about his book and we finished the call. I didn’t think anymore about it.
The next day, “April” called back. He said he had told his wife about our conversation and how helpful and pleasant I was to work with. He then said that he owed me an apology. I was super confused. He said that he was so eager to talk about his own book that he completely ignored the fact that I wanted to get published, too. He asked if I had a few minutes to chat about my dream of being an author.
After I told him about a fictional piece I have been working on for a decade, he asked what else I wanted to do, what I wanted to go to school for. I told him psychology, I want to help victims of domestic abuse. He asked if that was because of personal experience and I said, ”yes.”
He told me that that was my story. He said that my survivor story is what the world needed to hear about. He told me that his wife had been a victim of abuse before they were together and she had never told anyone until she told him. That she had felt so alone.
I told him about a quote that I had read and it just resonated with me: “I love when people who have been through hell walk out of the flames carrying buckets of water for those still consumed by the fire,” by Stephanie Sparkles. He said, “sounds like you found your book title. Now you just need to write it.”
Finding my Buckets
I was feeling exhilarated after hanging up with “April.” My mind was spinning with plans and ideas. But should I really air my dirty laundry for the world to see? Who would even care? I could hear Paul’s voice in the back of my mind, planting doubt and bringing down my mood. I texted my closest friends and told them about the idea. They were all excited and supportive. They could see how my story could help others, even when my own self doubt couldn’t. When I voiced the negative thoughts I was hearing in my head, Cicely, one of my best friends, said to me, “If what you are doing is something Paul would have told you not to do, or yelled at you for doing, then it’s probably something you should be doing.”
I told my therapist and she thought it was a great idea. I discussed leaving some of the darkest details out and she said that if I’m willing to share them, those are the stories the world needs to hear the most, because others are probably experiencing similar darkness.
Another quote that always stuck with me was from Brene Brown, “One day you will tell your story of how you overcame what you went through and it will be someone else’s survival guide.” This book has to happen. I went out and bought two new notebooks. One I carried with me as often as I could, a black leather bound lined journal, became my memory log. Any time I remembered something that Paul had done to me or my kids that I thought would be good to include in my book, I wrote it in the notebook. If I didn’t have the notebook on me I carried post its. That way I could stick the memories inside the covers of the journal.
The other notebook was for research. I’m not the first nor will I be the last person to experience domestic abuse. I wanted to gather as much information as I could. I watched TED Talks on domestic abuse. I read books. I talked to people about it. I went through my Pinterest boards looking for the pins and quotes that helped open my eyes, helped me find my strength, and helped me find my confidence. I dug through my old journals. I gathered old cards and notes that Paul had given me. I reached out to anyone who had spent time with me and Paul asking them to share any memories that stood out in their minds. All the while filling the black leather journal with every memory I could pull up and as much detail as I could muster.
I wasn’t sure how I was going to tell my story. Where would I start? How should I organize it? How could I convey how deeply I had fallen in love with Paul and how broken and disorienting our relationship had left me? I wanted people to experience the chaos and hopelessness I had felt. Paul’s violence wasn’t physical. He was controlling, manipulative and abusive in all the other ways. I wanted people to understand that non-physical forms of abuse are still domestic violence. That you don’t have to wait for the abuser to hit you before you have justification to leave.
But how could I do that? Then I remembered the Power and Control Wheel my attorney had shown me the day I got my Order for Protection. That’s how I was going to organize my story, mostly. I bought a ton of huge note cards and started organizing all my research and memories into the wedges of the wheel.
3 months later, in December 2019, I was gifted a brand new MacBook Air. The company I was working for was purchased and the new company gave every one a laptop. They said that if you stayed with the company for the whole year, the laptop would be yours. I didn’t have a personal laptop at the time and this gift would be the canvas for my story.
Just after the first of the year in 2020, I was done with the research and was ready to start writing. I knew I was going to organize the abuse parts into the different wedges of the wheel, but what order should I put them in? How should I start? I had not a clue, and did something that I had never done before for guidance. I asked my tarot cards. I drew the 2 of cups and knew I needed to start by telling my love story.
So I began writing. When ever I finished a chapter, I drew a new tarot card or two from my deck to guide the direction of the chapters. Just a couple short months later on April 21st, I completed my first draft.
Sharing the Water
I started researching how to get my manuscript published. One thing that I saw the most was that publishers want you to already have a following. You need to have a social media audience. How the heck do you get one of those? I’m not an influencer. I don’t know how to become popular or go viral. I’m just me. But if I want my book to be a success and be able to reach people who need it, I had to give it a try.
In March 2022, I started a TikTok channel. I’m up to 1500 followers, which I know are rookie numbers, gotta bump those up. The second half of 2022 was really rough for my family, so I haven’t been posting a lot, but I’m going to get back into it soon. But in reality, it doesn’t matter if I have 15 followers or 15,000,000 because I’m already making a difference. I’ve already had people reach out to me to share their stories for them. I have people telling me that they don’t feel so alone. I’m doing what I set out to do, I’m achieving my goals.
I realize that there is more than one way to acquire followers. I want to be a writer, so I should probably start writing. Alas, we have arrived here, my blog. Which, yeah, part of the reason I’m doing this is to hopefully get big enough numbers that publishing my book is easier. But this is also another way for me to reach victims and survivors. Let them hear my story and find comfort that they are not alone, make a safe space for them to share their stories.
This is another way for me to be LOUD!